Cast the nets.

Well, it has been a very heavy day. I don't know how much more I can say other than I am running completely on God's grace, my tank is empty. Brielle gave us a big scare this evening, we found out she can turn a different color other than blue or red. We are not really sure what happened but Brielle had a very scary episode this evening. She has been growing stronger every day with her cough reflex and it is encouraging to hear her break things up and swallow to clear her air way. This evening was a different story. She was not long without air but Brielle's airway was blocked and she began to turn an ashy color. It was a good thing Dianne was by her bedside. She picked up Brielle and began to give her some back blows to clear her airway. The nurse was very impressed with Dianne's reaction but I know it was mother's instinct. I have been hoping we were past all this roller coaster stuff but it seems like we are still very much in it. On the bright side, Brielle is at full feeds and is handling them fairly well. We just have a few spats here and there that become very concerning. With all this happening it is even harder to think about heading home tomorrow but I am comforted to know that my sister-in-law, Dawn, will be coming down tomorrow to spend part of the week with Dianne and baby Bri.

Tomorrow is a big day for both Dianne and I. We have a class tomorrow at 9 a.m. to help us with Brielle's g-tube. The class will help us learn to use, clean, and adapt to the g-tube. It is wonderful that the hospital offers this kind of thing for parents! We are looking forward to learning how to take care of this g-tube and one of the best parts about the class is that they will teach apart of the class directly from Brielle's bed!

Despite all the craziness that has been happening here in St. Louis, more craziness is happening in other people's live who I care deeply for. I have this feeling like I am of no help at all, like I have nothing to give. I know this sounds silly and you are probably thinking that I have lost my mind, but I haven't. I have lost the ability to remember what day of the week it is, but not my mind. Tonight we read Luke chapter 5 with Brielle.In this chapter Jesus calls some of the first disciples, He heals the man with leprosy and the paralytic, He calls Levi the tax collector to follow Him, and He enters into a debate with the pharisees about fasting. It is interesting to read about how Jesus handled certain situations, it is like "seeing" Him in action. Through all the magnificent things Jesus did in this chapter I am brought to one specific part, the calling of the first disciples. The words in verses 1-11 have been shaking my heart since we read them in the NICU, particularly verses 4 and 5. "When He had finished speaking, He said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.'" After reading this text I immediately became overwhelmed. I can relate to Peter here in these verses "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything." Everyday is a new day, and I always do not look at it with righteous eyes. Jesus asks me everyday to die to myself and give Him everything. He tells me to get up and kiss my wife and my daughter and not to worry. He tells me to go across the room and tell someone about Him. It feels like everyday Jesus is asking me to give more and more of something I do not feel I have, I am empty. Then I read what Peter said, "but because YOU say so, I will let down the nets," you know what happened, they had caught such a large number of fish that their nets were breaking and they needed another boat to haul the fish in and even then both boats were so full they began to sink.

It is easy to listen to satan and his lies. It is easy to agree and say "yes, I have been praying day and night, I have done my best to be encouraging day and night yet what is left to give?" But even in the midst of weakness the Bible tells us that God's power is made perfect. In the midst of fear the Bible tells us that we shall not fear for God is our refuge. Jesus says not to worry for God will provide for us everything that we need. It is hard to trust in Jesus and cast to the other side when it seems like everything that could be done has been done, but He is bigger than any problem I may have. It's when I think my problems are bigger than Him that I am in trouble and begin to sink. I love you all. Thank you for your support you have given my family as we walk through these trials. We appreciate all of you very much.

In His service,
cody